The Satanic Verses
“A Canaanite woman…came to him crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession.”
Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying after us.”
He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”
The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.
He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.”
“Yes, Lord,” she said, “but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.”
Then Jesus answered, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour. (Matthew 15: 22-28 NIV)
The other day I did something I haven’t done in a very long time: I went looking for Jesus.
It was a surreal experience. See, I grew up in a Baptist Christian home. I went to church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday. I’ve been to Bible camp, a Billy Graham Crusade, Christian rock concerts, and once fell in puppy love with the pastor’s daughter. As a perpetually good student, I memorized verses and even studied the Bible on my own. Every day I wore a cross. In an alternate universe, I could very well have been a pastor.
That’s why it was so weird trying to find Jesus knowing the intentions in my heart. I wasn’t going to praise him but mark the beginning of my own crusade, one that will unfortunately sully the royal robes of “Church” Jesus in the process. Based on the actions of his most passionate followers throughout history, I guess he does have it coming but that’s mostly your fault for letting your fellow brothers and sisters act in the most unchristian-like manners, unless of course it IS Christian to spread violence and pestilence all over the globe.
Honestly, I don’t feel any remorse on an intellectual level; I do, however, worry about the collateral damage it might have on my own life and the people I care about who still carry a cross. The truth is I get along well with most Christians. I don’t really even have a problem with Jesus. In fact, I like him a little more now that I just see him as a man full of ambition, anxiety, instability, fear, pride, and prejudice. Homeless, racist Jesus is a character I can get behind: He hates you but he still helps. Jesus the Son of a Monkey and self-proclaimed Monkey King is a lot easier for me to digest than Jesus the Son of a God and Master of the Universe. I’m the Emperor of China. There. We’re almost even.
They say the Devil can take on many forms. They say he'll twist and know the Word of God as well as any priest; well, I guess it's time I reluctantly embraced both roles but without any of the pedophilia. That's gross. It's not my fault that I was given the gift of reading comprehension. I didn't write the Bible. I'm only the messenger, not the message:
“… as soon as she heard about him, a woman whose little daughter was possessed by an evil spirit came and fell at his feet. The woman was a Greek… She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.
“First let the children eat all they want,” he told her, “for it is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.”
“Yes, Lord,” she replied, “but even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.”
Then he told her, “For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter.” (Mark 7: 25-29 NIV)
Today marks the official launch of Sons of Monkeys: A New Study of the Human Animal by a down on his luck Chinaman with a Zoology Degree. I don't expect many to bother trying to understand all that's been written or see the value in keeping an open dialogue free of taboos. But if you want to turn this into a "Satanic Verses of Christ" circus, I'll somewhat reluctantly throw my hat into the ring to be your master of ceremonies. Happy Holidays :)